Ok, so can I just go back to this day here!!!

if I could just go back to this day right here, the day when kaitlyn and I jumped in my truck and went for a drive. I have this park with creeks and small swooshy waterfalls I love to go to. It's sooo perfect there. Theres a long, never ending road that Kaitlyn and I drove on forever and fiannly gave up and turned back arround. If we could go back to this day and know that Arabella was going to die, i would have stayed there forever, reading to her, laughing, telling her stories about all the things I wanted to do with her. i could still feel her moving inside of there. Why can't you just know before hand so you can prepare for 8 months. I read to her alot, using one of these things were she can hear you. I LOVED reading dr suess books, "one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.....

I don't feel her anymore!!! I beg her to let me feel her or give me a sign. I thought just maybe God already put her back in kaitlyns tummy. I know, I know she is sooo suppose to wait until atleast the end of january and dad and I tell her that all the time, but I know she has tried four times already. you can't judge her because she lost Arabella. She wants either her or Josiah. She alteast now says she doesn't care which, and the adoption is still the same. i told her give her body time and don't rush. She wants a baby in our lives. She wants to still have me one first so she has a baby in her life but can still go off to college and such. Not sooo much "go off" to college, but a near bye collage or an online college.

My stomache has been killing me for about a week now. It's from that ache you have constantly, that empty feeling because Arabella should be home right now with us.

i just wonder since I'm no longer feeling or getting signs from Arabella if she is already inside kaitlyn. Maybe thats why she said the hurtful things she said? Kaitlyn was kind of emotional when she was preggy and sometimes not totally pleasant. like most women. I don't know! I just believe when the time is right, it will happen. No hurry, no rush and when it does happen, i wish we could just sleep the whole 9 months, incase she or he dies again.

Here's pics of Kaitlyn and my favorite day. Thats what kaitlyn said to me on the way home..."This was the best day of my entire life!!" What a beautiful thing to say, especialy when I was the only one with her. Me, the water, the tree,s the birds, and all that beauty. Cold water on her feet, me loving snapping all those pictures. Telling her how beautiful she is and how amazing these pictures were going to be. and they were.