Arabella would be 61 days today!!!

Instead of little fingers and toes to kiss, the wonderful smell of Johnsons baby lotion, bath time, little smiles, rocking chair time watching her drift into slumber and NEVER wanting to put her down because you could sit there and watch her "FOREVER", instead of all that, we get pictures, videos, and a heart shaped box with ashes and little bones. It's soooo not fair and I'm a little bitter right now over it. It's not frigging fair and why didn't we disurve her!!!! Who decides which babies die and which live?????? I know, I didn't disurve her anymore then the next but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I don't know anyone that lost a baby so there is no shoulder to cry on or someone to yell with me and thats hard.

In Illinois at a moment like this I'd just drive to Retzi's and she'd listen to me cry it out, or get pissed and all the other emotions I have over this. I'm slowly making friends here but not fast enough to have enough to always have one at all times to run to when I'm upset. I had a great day today, then I read about a friend who may get a 10 day old baby that is in states care. I'm sooo happy for her, trust me. I'm just kind of mad about the parents. I guess they don't want him or their unfit. It's sooo not fair about those parents and here we wanted Arabella sooooo bad. Now I have a winnie the pooh nursery to look at and no baby.

They death of Arabella!

This was one of the hardest things for me to watch... The kids picking out the outfit that Arabella would be burned in. I know it's cremaited, and thats how it feels when it's an adult, but to take a tiny baby, 4lbs 3ozs and stick her in fire, just kills me. but sticking her in a box, in the ground sucks too. I wish they had more choices. Something beautiful. I don't know. We sent her out in style though, wearing Steelers booties. We HAD to have her ashes. That was better then her being in the ground. Atleast I can still touch her. Her tiny little bones are in there. Some not so tiny.
Arabella sends me signs alot, so I do feel her. Two mornings ago I woke up to see a fluttering family of butterflies floating up from the bottom of my bedroom window, to the top. I leaned up watching the 20 or so and smiled, said Thank You Arabella and then went back to sleep. "Thank you Arabella!!"

The Stork I had just written her name on and was tying to the fence out front, proudly announcing our new baby girl. We had just talk to the helicopter guy who said during the flight to Pitt Arabella had started having trouble breathing, they landed, put in a tube and she now had her color back and looked much better. So ofcourse we where shocked when Kaitlyn called histerical crying, using words I could barely understand, but I did understand "Arabellas going to die!" I screamed this high pitched scream that would give you chills. Kaitlyn was at one hospital a half an hour the opposite way and Arabella was in Pitt 45 min the other way. Chris called the hospital and it was confirmed, she was being kept alive until we got there to say goodbye. We where heading there soon, after we put up the ballons. We just stopped at home because it was on our way and everyone kept saying she was doing good. She would be fine. We would put up ballons and the stork and then by time we got their they would have her all signed in, in a room and ready for us to walk in and finally hold her. It just never happened. We only held her when she was dead.

The balloons we put on our mailbox. "Baby Girl!"

Our beautiful baby, passed on for a little while already. Turning blue and red. A little smile on her face. Arabella means "Beautiful Alter". I LOVE that meaning and I have always loved the name "Bella". Thats why I knew almost from the second she was concieved, that this would be her name. Her middle name is "Soraya" which means "Princess" I picked it awhile back but had five or so middle names to choose from. Kaitlyn wanted me to look up names and write them down and she looked up names and wrote them down. She LOVES Arabella instantly. Out of the middle name she always leaned towards Soraya but we waited to pick until almost the last minute.

We will never forget you Arabella. Infact we talk to you as if you are here. Not sure if that is healthy or not. lol but I also talk to my grandma, cousins, mom ect everyday. I even tell everyone not to look.. when I'm changing and I even say it outloud. lol I do this because I'm afraid if I say it in my head, they won't here me and I sooo do not want any relatives seeing me naked. I'm sooo worried because hubbies mom and dad are in the 80's and I soooo dread when they pass. They'll be like "What the hell did he marry her for" Oohhhhh, U know, cause I'm fat. What can you do though!!! Hope I get that gastric bypass by then, if I even ever do. I need to get two things turned in and then just gotta wait for insurance to say "yeah or neah!" I could be a hundred pounds lighter by spring. I just don't even know though. I don't mind being this way, it's just the world that minds and I get tired of that. Pluss I'd love to get up a hill withought feel like a smoker when I have never smoked. Not be diabetic anymore, which I do nothing about anyhow. Hunny said UMPC just started aprroving the lap band, and I didn't qaulify before. I have all sorts of tummy probs so not sure if I would now or not either but one can hope, because its reversible.

ok It's 6 am and for the first time in a week or two, I stayed up all night. Yep, I'm well again. You can for sure tell. I had a fun night though. Kaitlyn and I worked on our studio. Put pretty fabris of silk on the ceiling, painted on the mural, hung up curtains, laughed, and hung out. It was a great time. She is pretty much her old self. and that is sooo nice.

luv Tammy

Some art Kaitlyn and I created 4 Arabella

I LOVE to create, play in clay, paint, mold, bake, design. I do it when I'm happy, sad, hurt, excited and have had a pretty extravigant amount of craft supplies. I just never seem to make friends with women that craft and I soooo hope one day I do. I found one interested in scrapbooking [waves at Michelle} and I cannot wait to one day meet and do that. All my friends kids LOVE to craft though so they have painted many things at my house.

I made this picture frame for Kate and my new Fashion studio. we molded the shapes with playdough, painted them and then glued them on this frame I painted.

A second frame I made for our new studio. This pic does not do this frame justice. I LOVE them both. Our rooom will be very collorful, which we LOVE color.

A painting for Arabella, that Kaitlyn drew and I painted. So we put our shared artist name on it which is "Moon Fire". Her own artist name is "Mystic Fire" and mine is "Moon Shine" [I got mine, 1. because I love the moon 2. a few years ago our horse fairier bring over som "Moon Shine" and lets just say "I made EVERYONE laugh there butts off all night long and so they named me "MoonShine" If I do art alone, I put that on, if she does art alone, she puts on "Mystic Fire" and if we do art together we put on "MoonFire" Just a little fun. Arabella is in the sky now, so we painted all sky art for her. I have ALWAYS also LOVED the sky.

This peice I did alone "MoonShine". I namde it "Heavens Transition" [Arabellas Heavenly Transition]. Silly and I am sooo not an artist but it was still fun to do.

Kaitlyn drew this one and I painted it. It's a fun sun. "MoonFire"

I drew and painted this one all on my own, and it was my second peice. First I did the sky and clouds, then this one. They are my first two paintings EVER. I've had these canvas for years and always wanted to try my hand at painting but sooo thought I would suck so I never tried, but when Arabella died, I thought it was time. I'd attempt peices for her. Not bad for first attemps. i also NEVER draw. I just paint boxes, scrapbook, paint clay ect, never paintings. Not too bad. They will sure brighten up our new room.

A bunch of little clay peices we molded, put holes in with needles to be able to string with home made clay beads, painted and glittered. We'll hang these all over our new room, on curtains, art, the ceiling fan pully ect. We also found a recipe to make beads out of newspaper, water and glue. We hope to boil up and make some of those someday soon.

well theres some of what we are busy with every day between homework. We did talk to Kaitlyn principle and we all decided instead of graduating in June, she'll take off now and start the new semester in January, so she can have time off to grieve and not have to do 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. Then she'll graduate next January instead. She would also still have insurance for when she does get preggy, for atleast awhile. She'll be twenty in July and some people may think it's horrible because she is not graduated, but she was two years behind form her birth mom so why does it matter. People need to relax more and chill and stop worrying about silly stuff. I am also kind of fed up with talk from people because some of her friends {through my friends] daughters are a few or so years younger. When did age make such a HUGE difference??? think if your a teen, your all kind of in the same catagory. Mothers should actualy want their daughters to hang with Kaitlyn because she is a great influence. She doesn't smoke or do drugs like alot of the younger teens do these days. We raised our kids to play with all ages. Our home has always been the hang out because we dabble in art, and I hang out with me kids, barely spending time on the computer. I don't game and such like that. My children don't even want to EVER spend the night anywhere else, and never have. More parents should get off their computers and do fun stuff while at home with their kids. We also had foster children of many ages, so our kids played with all ages. "Whats wrong with that??" This has made me want to find more friends with kids my age. I swear I heard the age difference 3 times in one night, but then we don't call for everyones kids to come over, they beg to come over. Do I just start saying no, and also saying no when we go to places we ALWAYS take other peoples kid too. Thats sucks because If it's ALWAYS ok for me to take other kids along to Disneyworld, The ST.Louis Arch and ect then why isn't it ok, or why is it weird for my daughter to hang out with teens younger then her?? I don't get it and sometimes I feel like it's just ok if it's good for other peoples kids. I'm over it!!!! I don't get people and I think it has become time to just do stuff with my family for awhile, or my family and some taht arent ALWAYS making comments about age. Sisters and brothers are different ages but how many times have you hered someone else, or even yourself, say "Go play with your brother or sister?" Think about it. Why is that different? It's not. It also makes me sad to hear kids that hang out with Kaitlyn over all these 7 years I've had her, say they HATE it at home and never want to be there because all their moms do is watch TV or play on the computer. and funny, moms limit the time their kids spend on the computer but don't limit theirselfs. Kids should get to limit them. Get up, play a game, bake cookies, paint something, just hang out and talk about their dreams, ect.

Ok, so I got that off my chest which has been building and building with each time this age thing is mentioned.

Hubby bakes some delicouse home made loaf bread and it's calling me. Pluss my hot water is ran for a bubble bath. kaitlyn is almost done schooling for today. Yeah i forgot to finish that. Instead of having her have to do 6 hours a day for 5 days a week starting january, we decided just a couple days a week she would do 6 hours, that way in January she only has to do 3 days a week for 6 hours a day. She also should get a work release this tuesday so she can start her job at DQ. She was suppose to start before the baby was born, which I sooo told her she shouldn't, but you know teens, pluss she is a responsible teen and wants to pay for her horses feed and such herself. "Go kaitlyn!" I raised a wonderfully, responsible girl.

Ok, my water is gettng cold and I want to be out before Kaitlyn comes up so we can hang out. We where going to Dave and Busters today but the steelers where on , so we are going tomarow. YEAHHHHH, they have the best food.

Tammy

Ok, so can I just go back to this day here!!!

if I could just go back to this day right here, the day when kaitlyn and I jumped in my truck and went for a drive. I have this park with creeks and small swooshy waterfalls I love to go to. It's sooo perfect there. Theres a long, never ending road that Kaitlyn and I drove on forever and fiannly gave up and turned back arround. If we could go back to this day and know that Arabella was going to die, i would have stayed there forever, reading to her, laughing, telling her stories about all the things I wanted to do with her. i could still feel her moving inside of there. Why can't you just know before hand so you can prepare for 8 months. I read to her alot, using one of these things were she can hear you. I LOVED reading dr suess books, "one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.....

I don't feel her anymore!!! I beg her to let me feel her or give me a sign. I thought just maybe God already put her back in kaitlyns tummy. I know, I know she is sooo suppose to wait until atleast the end of january and dad and I tell her that all the time, but I know she has tried four times already. you can't judge her because she lost Arabella. She wants either her or Josiah. She alteast now says she doesn't care which, and the adoption is still the same. i told her give her body time and don't rush. She wants a baby in our lives. She wants to still have me one first so she has a baby in her life but can still go off to college and such. Not sooo much "go off" to college, but a near bye collage or an online college.

My stomache has been killing me for about a week now. It's from that ache you have constantly, that empty feeling because Arabella should be home right now with us.

i just wonder since I'm no longer feeling or getting signs from Arabella if she is already inside kaitlyn. Maybe thats why she said the hurtful things she said? Kaitlyn was kind of emotional when she was preggy and sometimes not totally pleasant. like most women. I don't know! I just believe when the time is right, it will happen. No hurry, no rush and when it does happen, i wish we could just sleep the whole 9 months, incase she or he dies again.

Here's pics of Kaitlyn and my favorite day. Thats what kaitlyn said to me on the way home..."This was the best day of my entire life!!" What a beautiful thing to say, especialy when I was the only one with her. Me, the water, the tree,s the birds, and all that beauty. Cold water on her feet, me loving snapping all those pictures. Telling her how beautiful she is and how amazing these pictures were going to be. and they were.

A cross 4 Arabella

Here's a cross I made for Kaitlyn. I gave her a whole garden to make as a memeroy garden for Arabella. It's actualy her favorite garden in our yard and she claimed it as hers years ago. We each have our favorites, we just all work on all of them together. I have one for my mama too.

We love and miss you little Arabella our princess pie!!!!

luv Tammy

Dear Arabella

Dear Arabella,

I don't even know where to begin. I just cannot even believe you are gone. You were soooo beautiful!!! Things happened sooo fast and I didn't even get to talk to you. I mean I did have a few minutes when the nurse was breathing for you and I didn't do anything but cry. i am soooo sorry. I should have told you how much I loved you and waited for you. i wished on a year worth of falling stars for you, saying each time "Please give me an Arabella!" I got my wish. You were given to me, but I guys I should have been more spacific and said "Please give me an Arabella and let me keep her." I have yelled it up to the Universe several times this week. begging for a shooting star but havent recieved any yet.

I sleep with one of your blankets alot. I walk in your room. i know you hear me talk to you telling you, grandma, great grandma, cousins Roni and Stevie, aunt Cathey and Uncle Art all that i love you guys and good night each night.

I always see black birds in my house when someone dies, and I saw one yesterday, so I may loose someone else. Sounds selfish but I had and still do somewhat hope it's me. Sounds horrible i know, because the kids and hubby need me. But i can't bare for it to be someone else i love. Besides, sometimes I think i don't even disurve to be here. So many other people are actualy doing things with their life. All I want to do is be with my kids and hubby. I'm wayyy overweight and this world doesn't accept me which is a shame because I don't mind that this is how I am. Why does it bother others sooo much when someone else is overwieght??I just don't get it and it hurts. This is me!!! I have a great life, wonderful kids, and awesome husband, the farm i have always dreamed of. my life is "My" perfect life. Not everyone else, but mine.

Yeah, i'd also like to be with you, but i'd like to be here too and that sucks. That realy sucks when I have people i love in two places.

I'm mostly fine alll day long and then when night comes, it's sooo hard. I'm not sure why that is.

I'm watching country videos and it seems every song is sad and gets me crying again. I watch your videos over and over, listening hard for your cooing. You were sooo beautiful and perfect.

i wanted t bath you and kiss you and rock you and watch you sleep. i wanted to dance with you and read the fairie books to you. Your little horse "Arabellas Lucky Clover" never even got to meet you or give you a ride. I hope you go out and comfort him. i know i see signs from you in my bathroom. Thank you for that and please don't stop.

I feel sooo empty at night with your loss. My heart just aches.

I wanted t take you to Sesame Street on Ice, and brownies like I did the other kids. Carve pumpkins. Make you costumes like i do the other kids. Color Easter Eggs and teach you about Santa clause. Teach you about Jesus and how to always try and be the best person you can be. To forgive others for their mistakes and to try and never judge. to not say things about over weight people or people with imperfections. The outside does not make a person who they are. It's the inside that makes them who they are.

Tell Grandma Carol i miss her, love her and "Happy Birthday" on October 29th. I miss her sooooo much.

I had sooo much i wanted to do with you and so did kaitlyn, hubby, chris and krystina. Sooo many people loved you and were excited that you where comming. I hope you come back. I also hope no one is comming next, for a LONG, LONG time.

I LOVE you Arabella and I miss you like crazy baby.

Luv mummzy

A Beautiful saying

I was browsing ask.com for stuff on infant loss and found a statement by "Rev Run", off of MTV and the group DMC. I am a fan of his reality show with his family and had forgotten all about the semi recent loss of a newborn. As soon as I saw this, my mouth dropped and I reminded kaitlyn. When we had seen that show, we never realized just how painful their loss had been... Now i know.

Here's something he said about his loss and I think it is perfect and beautiful....

["On Sept. 26, 2006, Victoria Anne Simmons for some unknown reason chose to come early and unfortunately did not survive,"]

his statement said.

"We must accept whatever is there and once you accept unconditionally, then everything is beautiful. Every pain has a purifying effect. So whatever comes your way, just be thankful. We see life in death and believe in the celebration of life in death."

Wriiten by Run DMC's Rev. Run

WOW, Thats a great way to look at it all.

Tammy

Why do I torture myself??

This bed would have been perfect for her room. Or maybe a pink castle bed.

This is WONDERFUL and I had never even seen one. That way the baby is close but you don't have to fear rolling over on her, especialy a baby small like Arabella.

This thing is awesome for an older toddler. never seen one of thse either. Maybe not to do on concrete But very fun I'm sure. and it spins too.

Night is soooo hard for me. Thats when the tears and the sadness over the loss of Arabella realy hit me the most. i think about her all day long, but for some reason at night when it's colder and dark, I get extremely sad. i sit and watch TV through tears. Most often hiding my tears from the teens. They know i'm hurting and they are hurting too, I just don't want to let them see me cry alll the time. We do have fun too. We do taht all day, but then night, Chris is on his game, dads working [last midnight, then he will be off two days' and kaitlyn was finishing up schoolwork and now is on Myspace.

To make things worse for myself, i still have an obsesion with looking on Craigslist at all the baby stuff up for sale. Why do I still go there almost daily?? It's not healthy, but I have to. I got alot of Arabellas stuff from their and rumage sales. Heres a few pics of stuff I found tonight that would have been perfect for Arabella.

We wanted her soooo bad!!! My heart aches sooo bad at dark and when I lay down. i cry in the dark, in bed all the time. She wasn't even due yet and just like that it's over.

Why Arabella???

Here, in this picture, she needed held, warmed and comforted but we were not allowed to touch her or even be in the same room with her. The nurses took these pictures. Why couldn't we just hold her once before she died?? It's sooo not fair. I don't understand. She desurved to be comforted, held, sang to and rocked. We deserved to get to do those things.
She doesn't look like she should have died here, does she. Whyyyyyyy? She was sooo beautful. The only thing getting us through is kaite and i both believe God will give her back when the time comes, after kaitlyn heals physically and mentally and tries again, wether for her a child, or another attempt at us a baby and then her own, or hubby and I adopt elsewhere. I want her back!! I know though that that may never happen and if not we will see her in Heaven one day. I sooo wanted her now though.
She needed us here sooo badly and we couldn't be there for her. They wheeled her off and wouldn't tell us anything. Parents should have rights to know things and to hold her for even a few seconds. i held her dead body for like 6 hours and cried, later this same day. Now she is being cremated. This sucks sooo bad.She looks like Kaitlyn her. When kaitlyn wants something, or doesn't like something, she will let YOU KNOW. lol She looks just like her mama here.
Arabella Soraya looks like my son Chris here. I wish I could hold her!!!!

With the recent loss of our families little Arabella, I thought I should just make a whole blog just for her. For my tears, my laughter, her memory garden, the alter we're making in honor of her and for whatever comes up. From dark to sunshiny thoughts. From blaim, to anger, to understanding. This has been the absolute hardest loss I have ever had.

She was taken by emergency C-Section after a bout with preclamsia. She weighed 4Lbs 3Ozs. 16 inches long. Born Oct 10th 2008. She lived for just eight hours. I only got to hold her after she had passed, but i did get to hold her hand and touch her face before she passed. She was a gift created for my husband and myself after a bought with cancer took my ability to mother again on my own, by my son and his fiance who came to us through foster care over 7 years ago.

After 8 months of having her in the womb to read to and feel move. Making her nursery perfect in Winnie the Pooh, after collecting all the things to keep her safe. Just like that, she is gone. I'd do anything to have her back!!! It's only been a week and two days. I don't know how people get through stuff like this. I do good and think I'll be ok, and then I cry like crazy and my heart aches with pain and emptiness like I'd never felt in my life and pray i never feel again.

I am thankful for the hours I did get to watch her from afar. inside that glass sorounded by nurses trying to fix her. I can't help but wonder if just being held by myself or kaitlyn would have been all she needed. kaitlyn never even got to breast feed her. With the preclamsia she couldn't.

"Why Arabella, why?"