A cross 4 Arabella

Here's a cross I made for Kaitlyn. I gave her a whole garden to make as a memeroy garden for Arabella. It's actualy her favorite garden in our yard and she claimed it as hers years ago. We each have our favorites, we just all work on all of them together. I have one for my mama too.

We love and miss you little Arabella our princess pie!!!!

luv Tammy

Dear Arabella

Dear Arabella,

I don't even know where to begin. I just cannot even believe you are gone. You were soooo beautiful!!! Things happened sooo fast and I didn't even get to talk to you. I mean I did have a few minutes when the nurse was breathing for you and I didn't do anything but cry. i am soooo sorry. I should have told you how much I loved you and waited for you. i wished on a year worth of falling stars for you, saying each time "Please give me an Arabella!" I got my wish. You were given to me, but I guys I should have been more spacific and said "Please give me an Arabella and let me keep her." I have yelled it up to the Universe several times this week. begging for a shooting star but havent recieved any yet.

I sleep with one of your blankets alot. I walk in your room. i know you hear me talk to you telling you, grandma, great grandma, cousins Roni and Stevie, aunt Cathey and Uncle Art all that i love you guys and good night each night.

I always see black birds in my house when someone dies, and I saw one yesterday, so I may loose someone else. Sounds selfish but I had and still do somewhat hope it's me. Sounds horrible i know, because the kids and hubby need me. But i can't bare for it to be someone else i love. Besides, sometimes I think i don't even disurve to be here. So many other people are actualy doing things with their life. All I want to do is be with my kids and hubby. I'm wayyy overweight and this world doesn't accept me which is a shame because I don't mind that this is how I am. Why does it bother others sooo much when someone else is overwieght??I just don't get it and it hurts. This is me!!! I have a great life, wonderful kids, and awesome husband, the farm i have always dreamed of. my life is "My" perfect life. Not everyone else, but mine.

Yeah, i'd also like to be with you, but i'd like to be here too and that sucks. That realy sucks when I have people i love in two places.

I'm mostly fine alll day long and then when night comes, it's sooo hard. I'm not sure why that is.

I'm watching country videos and it seems every song is sad and gets me crying again. I watch your videos over and over, listening hard for your cooing. You were sooo beautiful and perfect.

i wanted t bath you and kiss you and rock you and watch you sleep. i wanted to dance with you and read the fairie books to you. Your little horse "Arabellas Lucky Clover" never even got to meet you or give you a ride. I hope you go out and comfort him. i know i see signs from you in my bathroom. Thank you for that and please don't stop.

I feel sooo empty at night with your loss. My heart just aches.

I wanted t take you to Sesame Street on Ice, and brownies like I did the other kids. Carve pumpkins. Make you costumes like i do the other kids. Color Easter Eggs and teach you about Santa clause. Teach you about Jesus and how to always try and be the best person you can be. To forgive others for their mistakes and to try and never judge. to not say things about over weight people or people with imperfections. The outside does not make a person who they are. It's the inside that makes them who they are.

Tell Grandma Carol i miss her, love her and "Happy Birthday" on October 29th. I miss her sooooo much.

I had sooo much i wanted to do with you and so did kaitlyn, hubby, chris and krystina. Sooo many people loved you and were excited that you where comming. I hope you come back. I also hope no one is comming next, for a LONG, LONG time.

I LOVE you Arabella and I miss you like crazy baby.

Luv mummzy

A Beautiful saying

I was browsing ask.com for stuff on infant loss and found a statement by "Rev Run", off of MTV and the group DMC. I am a fan of his reality show with his family and had forgotten all about the semi recent loss of a newborn. As soon as I saw this, my mouth dropped and I reminded kaitlyn. When we had seen that show, we never realized just how painful their loss had been... Now i know.

Here's something he said about his loss and I think it is perfect and beautiful....

["On Sept. 26, 2006, Victoria Anne Simmons for some unknown reason chose to come early and unfortunately did not survive,"]

his statement said.

"We must accept whatever is there and once you accept unconditionally, then everything is beautiful. Every pain has a purifying effect. So whatever comes your way, just be thankful. We see life in death and believe in the celebration of life in death."

Wriiten by Run DMC's Rev. Run

WOW, Thats a great way to look at it all.

Tammy

Why do I torture myself??

This bed would have been perfect for her room. Or maybe a pink castle bed.

This is WONDERFUL and I had never even seen one. That way the baby is close but you don't have to fear rolling over on her, especialy a baby small like Arabella.

This thing is awesome for an older toddler. never seen one of thse either. Maybe not to do on concrete But very fun I'm sure. and it spins too.

Night is soooo hard for me. Thats when the tears and the sadness over the loss of Arabella realy hit me the most. i think about her all day long, but for some reason at night when it's colder and dark, I get extremely sad. i sit and watch TV through tears. Most often hiding my tears from the teens. They know i'm hurting and they are hurting too, I just don't want to let them see me cry alll the time. We do have fun too. We do taht all day, but then night, Chris is on his game, dads working [last midnight, then he will be off two days' and kaitlyn was finishing up schoolwork and now is on Myspace.

To make things worse for myself, i still have an obsesion with looking on Craigslist at all the baby stuff up for sale. Why do I still go there almost daily?? It's not healthy, but I have to. I got alot of Arabellas stuff from their and rumage sales. Heres a few pics of stuff I found tonight that would have been perfect for Arabella.

We wanted her soooo bad!!! My heart aches sooo bad at dark and when I lay down. i cry in the dark, in bed all the time. She wasn't even due yet and just like that it's over.

Why Arabella???

Here, in this picture, she needed held, warmed and comforted but we were not allowed to touch her or even be in the same room with her. The nurses took these pictures. Why couldn't we just hold her once before she died?? It's sooo not fair. I don't understand. She desurved to be comforted, held, sang to and rocked. We deserved to get to do those things.
She doesn't look like she should have died here, does she. Whyyyyyyy? She was sooo beautful. The only thing getting us through is kaite and i both believe God will give her back when the time comes, after kaitlyn heals physically and mentally and tries again, wether for her a child, or another attempt at us a baby and then her own, or hubby and I adopt elsewhere. I want her back!! I know though that that may never happen and if not we will see her in Heaven one day. I sooo wanted her now though.
She needed us here sooo badly and we couldn't be there for her. They wheeled her off and wouldn't tell us anything. Parents should have rights to know things and to hold her for even a few seconds. i held her dead body for like 6 hours and cried, later this same day. Now she is being cremated. This sucks sooo bad.She looks like Kaitlyn her. When kaitlyn wants something, or doesn't like something, she will let YOU KNOW. lol She looks just like her mama here.
Arabella Soraya looks like my son Chris here. I wish I could hold her!!!!

With the recent loss of our families little Arabella, I thought I should just make a whole blog just for her. For my tears, my laughter, her memory garden, the alter we're making in honor of her and for whatever comes up. From dark to sunshiny thoughts. From blaim, to anger, to understanding. This has been the absolute hardest loss I have ever had.

She was taken by emergency C-Section after a bout with preclamsia. She weighed 4Lbs 3Ozs. 16 inches long. Born Oct 10th 2008. She lived for just eight hours. I only got to hold her after she had passed, but i did get to hold her hand and touch her face before she passed. She was a gift created for my husband and myself after a bought with cancer took my ability to mother again on my own, by my son and his fiance who came to us through foster care over 7 years ago.

After 8 months of having her in the womb to read to and feel move. Making her nursery perfect in Winnie the Pooh, after collecting all the things to keep her safe. Just like that, she is gone. I'd do anything to have her back!!! It's only been a week and two days. I don't know how people get through stuff like this. I do good and think I'll be ok, and then I cry like crazy and my heart aches with pain and emptiness like I'd never felt in my life and pray i never feel again.

I am thankful for the hours I did get to watch her from afar. inside that glass sorounded by nurses trying to fix her. I can't help but wonder if just being held by myself or kaitlyn would have been all she needed. kaitlyn never even got to breast feed her. With the preclamsia she couldn't.

"Why Arabella, why?"