They death of Arabella!

This was one of the hardest things for me to watch... The kids picking out the outfit that Arabella would be burned in. I know it's cremaited, and thats how it feels when it's an adult, but to take a tiny baby, 4lbs 3ozs and stick her in fire, just kills me. but sticking her in a box, in the ground sucks too. I wish they had more choices. Something beautiful. I don't know. We sent her out in style though, wearing Steelers booties. We HAD to have her ashes. That was better then her being in the ground. Atleast I can still touch her. Her tiny little bones are in there. Some not so tiny.
Arabella sends me signs alot, so I do feel her. Two mornings ago I woke up to see a fluttering family of butterflies floating up from the bottom of my bedroom window, to the top. I leaned up watching the 20 or so and smiled, said Thank You Arabella and then went back to sleep. "Thank you Arabella!!"

The Stork I had just written her name on and was tying to the fence out front, proudly announcing our new baby girl. We had just talk to the helicopter guy who said during the flight to Pitt Arabella had started having trouble breathing, they landed, put in a tube and she now had her color back and looked much better. So ofcourse we where shocked when Kaitlyn called histerical crying, using words I could barely understand, but I did understand "Arabellas going to die!" I screamed this high pitched scream that would give you chills. Kaitlyn was at one hospital a half an hour the opposite way and Arabella was in Pitt 45 min the other way. Chris called the hospital and it was confirmed, she was being kept alive until we got there to say goodbye. We where heading there soon, after we put up the ballons. We just stopped at home because it was on our way and everyone kept saying she was doing good. She would be fine. We would put up ballons and the stork and then by time we got their they would have her all signed in, in a room and ready for us to walk in and finally hold her. It just never happened. We only held her when she was dead.

The balloons we put on our mailbox. "Baby Girl!"

Our beautiful baby, passed on for a little while already. Turning blue and red. A little smile on her face. Arabella means "Beautiful Alter". I LOVE that meaning and I have always loved the name "Bella". Thats why I knew almost from the second she was concieved, that this would be her name. Her middle name is "Soraya" which means "Princess" I picked it awhile back but had five or so middle names to choose from. Kaitlyn wanted me to look up names and write them down and she looked up names and wrote them down. She LOVES Arabella instantly. Out of the middle name she always leaned towards Soraya but we waited to pick until almost the last minute.

We will never forget you Arabella. Infact we talk to you as if you are here. Not sure if that is healthy or not. lol but I also talk to my grandma, cousins, mom ect everyday. I even tell everyone not to look.. when I'm changing and I even say it outloud. lol I do this because I'm afraid if I say it in my head, they won't here me and I sooo do not want any relatives seeing me naked. I'm sooo worried because hubbies mom and dad are in the 80's and I soooo dread when they pass. They'll be like "What the hell did he marry her for" Oohhhhh, U know, cause I'm fat. What can you do though!!! Hope I get that gastric bypass by then, if I even ever do. I need to get two things turned in and then just gotta wait for insurance to say "yeah or neah!" I could be a hundred pounds lighter by spring. I just don't even know though. I don't mind being this way, it's just the world that minds and I get tired of that. Pluss I'd love to get up a hill withought feel like a smoker when I have never smoked. Not be diabetic anymore, which I do nothing about anyhow. Hunny said UMPC just started aprroving the lap band, and I didn't qaulify before. I have all sorts of tummy probs so not sure if I would now or not either but one can hope, because its reversible.

ok It's 6 am and for the first time in a week or two, I stayed up all night. Yep, I'm well again. You can for sure tell. I had a fun night though. Kaitlyn and I worked on our studio. Put pretty fabris of silk on the ceiling, painted on the mural, hung up curtains, laughed, and hung out. It was a great time. She is pretty much her old self. and that is sooo nice.

luv Tammy