Dear Arabella

Dear Arabella,

I don't even know where to begin. I just cannot even believe you are gone. You were soooo beautiful!!! Things happened sooo fast and I didn't even get to talk to you. I mean I did have a few minutes when the nurse was breathing for you and I didn't do anything but cry. i am soooo sorry. I should have told you how much I loved you and waited for you. i wished on a year worth of falling stars for you, saying each time "Please give me an Arabella!" I got my wish. You were given to me, but I guys I should have been more spacific and said "Please give me an Arabella and let me keep her." I have yelled it up to the Universe several times this week. begging for a shooting star but havent recieved any yet.

I sleep with one of your blankets alot. I walk in your room. i know you hear me talk to you telling you, grandma, great grandma, cousins Roni and Stevie, aunt Cathey and Uncle Art all that i love you guys and good night each night.

I always see black birds in my house when someone dies, and I saw one yesterday, so I may loose someone else. Sounds selfish but I had and still do somewhat hope it's me. Sounds horrible i know, because the kids and hubby need me. But i can't bare for it to be someone else i love. Besides, sometimes I think i don't even disurve to be here. So many other people are actualy doing things with their life. All I want to do is be with my kids and hubby. I'm wayyy overweight and this world doesn't accept me which is a shame because I don't mind that this is how I am. Why does it bother others sooo much when someone else is overwieght??I just don't get it and it hurts. This is me!!! I have a great life, wonderful kids, and awesome husband, the farm i have always dreamed of. my life is "My" perfect life. Not everyone else, but mine.

Yeah, i'd also like to be with you, but i'd like to be here too and that sucks. That realy sucks when I have people i love in two places.

I'm mostly fine alll day long and then when night comes, it's sooo hard. I'm not sure why that is.

I'm watching country videos and it seems every song is sad and gets me crying again. I watch your videos over and over, listening hard for your cooing. You were sooo beautiful and perfect.

i wanted t bath you and kiss you and rock you and watch you sleep. i wanted to dance with you and read the fairie books to you. Your little horse "Arabellas Lucky Clover" never even got to meet you or give you a ride. I hope you go out and comfort him. i know i see signs from you in my bathroom. Thank you for that and please don't stop.

I feel sooo empty at night with your loss. My heart just aches.

I wanted t take you to Sesame Street on Ice, and brownies like I did the other kids. Carve pumpkins. Make you costumes like i do the other kids. Color Easter Eggs and teach you about Santa clause. Teach you about Jesus and how to always try and be the best person you can be. To forgive others for their mistakes and to try and never judge. to not say things about over weight people or people with imperfections. The outside does not make a person who they are. It's the inside that makes them who they are.

Tell Grandma Carol i miss her, love her and "Happy Birthday" on October 29th. I miss her sooooo much.

I had sooo much i wanted to do with you and so did kaitlyn, hubby, chris and krystina. Sooo many people loved you and were excited that you where comming. I hope you come back. I also hope no one is comming next, for a LONG, LONG time.

I LOVE you Arabella and I miss you like crazy baby.

Luv mummzy